TRANSCRIPT
Good morning from the INFORMANT EVENING NEWS weather desk, where skies are partly volatile with a 92nd percentile chance of DJT turbulence. Eleven posts cleared out over seven minutes yesterday, triggering four distinct bursts that left markets scrambling for cover. We saw DJT swing up +1.78% before crashing -2.41%, then soaring to a massive +4.06% after six posts stretched over 113 minutes of high-tension defense talk on Iran and Secretary Hegseth. The controversy itself is the forecast, folks, as pundits clash between "five-alarm fire" warnings and claims you can literally taste the justice flowing through these trees. Overnight gaps show X:ETHUSD climbed +2.03%, but keep your umbrellas handy; that final burst dropped DJT another -2.09% in zero minutes. Stay dry, stay diversified, and remember: when reality burns, only percentiles remain!