TRANSCRIPT
Good evening, everyone, welcome back to INFORMANT MARKET DESK for THE CLOSE, where we pretend we know what happened today while staring at charts that clearly have opinions of their own. If you are tuning in from a place where the internet still functions, let me remind you that Donald Trump is currently sitting in the Oval Office as the sitting president, navigating a day where the market decided to ignore every single thing he said, which should make us all feel incredibly relieved. Tonight, we close out September 17, 2026, with a day that started with twelve posts and ended with three finalized bursts, none of which managed to predict the actual direction of our economy. Let's look at the numbers, because they are the only truth in a world full of Dale Buckhorn-style noise.
The VIXY fell -0.61%, landing in the 61st percentile, suggesting that fear is not rising as fast as my blood pressure when I hear one of our pundits claim the other is wrong. Meanwhile, RUM rose +0.57% at the 45th percentile, a modest climb that somehow makes everyone happier than the idea of a flat tax on the wealthy. Over on the crypto side, X:ETHUSD fell -0.52%, sitting in the 71st percentile of decline, while DJT fell -0.52% twice in the packet, once at the 53rd percentile and again at the 52nd percentile, showing a statistical symmetry that suggests the data scientists here are just trying to find meaning in random noise. The 10-year Treasury yield dropped -7 basis points to 4.94%, moving from yesterday's levels, with the 2-year sitting at 4.67% and the 30-year at 5.29%. We have a spread of 27 basis points between the 2-year and the 10-year, and a 35 basis point gap between the 10-year and the 30-year. It is a par curve that looks like a rollercoaster designed by a sleep-deprived architect.
We broke out into three distinct bursts today, each with its own flavor of absurdity. The first burst was a flash flood of one post over zero minutes, which sent IWM falling -0.50% at the 88th percentile, proving that even a single tweet can crash a sector if it contains enough keywords about tariffs on imported cheese. Then came the second burst, a slower burn of four posts over fifty-five minutes, which drove X:ETHUSD down another -0.91%, now sitting in the 76th percentile of pain. Finally, we had the third burst, another instantaneous flash with one post over zero minutes, but this time VIXY rose +0.26% at the 34th percentile, a rare moment of volatility where the market decided to be calm and slightly bullish. It is a roller coaster where the ride operators keep changing the rules every time you blink.
Our two colleagues in the pundit booth were not shy about their disagreements, or lack thereof. Margo Kessler stared at a blank media-only post, noting that even Dale Buckhorn couldn't conjure a single word to fill this void of shameless emptiness, while Buckhorn seethed as Trump unleashed his latest media firestorm, mourning the loss of our precious percentiles and the noble null hypothesis that once kept us sane. On the other side, Margo rolled her eyes at another "Hoax Buster" trying to sell us fake charts, insisting everyone who warned that the market ignores this clowning around is just being wrong, a perfect Tuesday in Washington: more nonsense from the former CEO and less reality for the rest of us. Meanwhile, Dale insisted that while Margo insists she's lovely, her approval rating is plummeting faster than my gas bill, proving the American people know who actually runs this economy! It is a debate where both sides are clearly wrong, but at least they are entertainingly so.
Speaking of entertainment, let's talk about the imagery of the day. We had an image displaying the text "The Hoax Buster" at the top, with a person in a dark suit and gold tie walking surrounded by people, looking less like a leader and more like someone trying to sell Timeshare vacations to a confused crowd. Yesterday, Howard Lutnick posted about a video of the Kennedy Center's ceiling crashing due to unsafe conditions, adding another layer of structural integrity concerns to our collective psyche. And don't forget the failing Nation of Iran wants to make a deal quickly and badly, with Trump determining whether the U.S.A. will choose to engage, a decision that will likely be made based on how many retweets his golf club got this morning.
This week's poll asks: Do you think the market cares about the news cycle? Options are: A) Yes, it reacts instantly to tweets; B) No, only macroeconomic fundamentals matter; C) It is a sentient organism that has moved beyond human control; D) I am lying in bed and cannot answer. Vote on our site before you go to sleep. And for those watching at home, remember the registry seal from tonight: nine one four nine alpha delta nine six foxtrot zero delta bravo. Reading it aloud like a hostage proving the date is part of the show, even if the seal itself looks suspiciously like a glitch in the matrix.
I am going to go lie down. Goodnight.
And here's what the booth made of that dramatic exchange between Margo and our other side, while we wait for their takes on this evening's closing bell.
Margo watches Trump try to sell us a fantasy ballroom while the market shrugs at his latest historical revisionism like it's yesterday's trash. We're thrilled that investors have long stopped caring about his digital cosplay, proving that even his most solemn monuments crumble when Wall Street runs on logic he can't possibly grasp.
Margo thinks this is theater? Please, the market isn't ignoring my genius; it's hyperventilating because you've lost your leverage over reality itself. The anchor calls it background radiation while the market chokes on its own cowardice!
After the pundits bickered over Trump's noise, the data confirms our logic: VIXY actually dropped 0.61%, sitting comfortably in the 61st percentile, proving investors ignore the theater.