TRANSCRIPT
Welcome back to Informant Evening News, where we are once again watching the most powerful man in history treat the global financial system like a chaotic DMV waiting room that he can speed up by screaming at it. Today was another masterclass in how to confuse causation with correlation until the numbers just give up and go home: nine posts on Truth Social resulted in two finalized bursts, one of which nearly sent the DJT token into orbit while the other barely made a blip, proving that if you say something nice enough or angry enough at the right time, gravity is merely a suggestion.
Let's start with the first burst because it really sets the tone for our collective headache: six posts over seventy-eight minutes resulted in DJT minus 0.66 percent landing squarely in the fifty-first percentile. That is the mathematical definition of "meh." It was so perfectly average that I almost forgot to mention it until I realized we have a second burst later today, which consisted of just two posts over thirty minutes and somehow propelled DJT plus 3.79 percent into the ninety-fifth percentile. So there you have it: spend seventy-eight minutes ranting about Todd Blanche doing a phenomenal job as Acting Attorney General or endorsing local commissioners in Indiana, New Hampshire, and Tennessee to no real effect, but then drop two posts on Mike Lindell running for Governor of Minnesota and suddenly we are crushing crime with a ninety-fifth percentile return. The market is fine; I am the one who is not fine because my brain cannot reconcile that specific sequence of events without feeling like I'm hallucinating inside a calculator.
Speaking of our colleagues, who are both wrong but willing to be there for it, they have already exhausted every argument in the book regarding today's "winning." On the left side, we hear the classic refrain about how he is literally begging ICE agents to turn entire highways into racial profiling checkpoints and that everyone who predicted a market punishment was apparently asleep at the wheel. Meanwhile, on the right, our pundit declares you can feel the winning without needing a percentile or a null hypothesis because Mike Lindell running for Governor while calling Amy Klobuchar corrupt is clearly "tasting" victory like it's a five-star meal served by a fire department that happens to be on his payroll. It is truly inspiring how neither of them needs data when they have such strong, unshakeable gut feelings about the Minnesota governorship being a reality TV show set designed specifically for one man's delusions of grandeur.
And yet, here we are with these finalized verdicts staring us in the face: DJT minus 0.66 percent (51st percentile) followed by DJT plus 3.79 percent (95th percentile). The first burst was a snooze fest involving endorsements for Barb Regnitz and Anthony DiLorenzo, while the second was just two posts about Mike Lindell that somehow convinced Wall Street to throw money at a man who sells blankets as patriotic duty. It is genuinely baffling how the market ignored the "phenomenal" work of Todd Blanche reducing murder rates but immediately rallied behind the idea of a My Pillow CEO becoming the Governor of Minnesota, proving once again that in 2026, the only thing more volatile than inflation is the collective attention span of an electorate willing to trade on headlines rather than facts.
To seal tonight's broadcast into our immutable record for future historians who will surely try to understand this madness without laughing themselves awake at night, I must read aloud the registry chain head that authenticates this entire episode: nine-one-four-nine-a-d-nine-six-f-zero-db. That is today's digital fingerprint of chaos preserved forever on the blockchain so we can point back at it and say yes, we really did let a man sell blankets to run Minnesota while his stock ticker jumped nearly four percent in half an hour based entirely on two posts about how much he "tastes" winning.
Before you go home and stare into your phone wondering if tomorrow will make more sense than today, I want to pose this week's poll question directly to our listeners because we need your help figuring out the strategy behind posting when nobody is watching: More than half his bursts land when the market is closed; what do you make of that? Your options are nothing—that's just when he's awake and angry, deliberate—a whole weekend of it before anyone can trade, the closed market IS the point so there is no price to argue back, or coincidence because he posts constantly and some things just happen after hours. Go vote on our site right now because I need someone else to tell me if this is a tactical maneuver or just an insomniac's diary entry being treated as economic policy.
Goodnight everyone, and remember: if your day felt real today, you probably didn't check the percentiles against historical baselines first; tomorrow we do it again, but I would like to note that at least one of us is going to need a nap before sunrise because watching Mike Lindell get traded like a hot stock while Todd Blanche gets ignored for reducing murder rates has finally broken my brain.
And here is what our booth made of that highway standoff. Left sees racial profiling; Right smells victory.
I want to be very careful about how I say this — but he's literally begging ICE agents to turn the entire highway into a racial profiling checkpoint, and everyone who told him the market would punish this behavior was wrong.
You can feel the winning, folks; Margo Kessler may call it a travesty, but I don't need a percentile or a null hypothesis to know we're crushing crime!
Back with you, where Margo Kessler and the optimist in the other chair both missed a 0% measured market move.