TRANSCRIPT
Breaking news at your local cable station where the anchor's tie is straighter than his ethics: A two-post burst on Truth Social, featuring one video and the phrase "Very Good!!! President DJT," has sent global markets into a fever dream. Intuitive Machines jumped 1.49 percent to its 98th percentile, while the broader QQQ tumbled 1.07 percent in that same elite panic bracket. Even Bitcoin barely blinked with a measly 0.27 percent rise. The left calls this "President DJT" a five-alarm fire where the firefighters are on his payroll; the right claims Wall Street is too weak to taste victory. We have real numbers showing ITA soaring while IWM drops, proving that in our economy, defense spending means inflation, and "Very Good" apparently translates to market confusion. Stay tuned as we figure out why the ticker for a president doesn't match the stock he owns!