TRANSCRIPT
Breaking News on our channel where facts go to die but stocks come back for seconds! In just 113 minutes, Donald Trump unleashed six Truth Social posts ranging from blank slates to promising Iran they will "pay many times over" while guaranteeing Netanyahu won't be arrested. The world is spinning in terror, yet the market isn't screaming; it's cheering like a cult at an all-inclusive resort! DJT stock surged 4.06%, hitting that sweet 92nd percentile, dragging X:ETHUSD up 2.06% and Bitcoin to 1.61%. While left-wing pundits scream about "war-of-fantasies," the right claims a gut feeling of victory as volatility actually dipped! The S&P barely blinked at plus-0.02%, but Trump's stock? That is your new safe haven while we debate if he really meant war or just a very aggressive tweet thread.