TRANSCRIPT
We are interrupting our regularly scheduled skepticism for a breaking bulletin on the geopolitical crisis unfolding right now! That is correct, folks; two Truth Social posts released over zero minutes have sent global markets into a frenzy of confusion and profit. We saw DJT open up 1.66 percent before crashing down to minus 1.17 percent, while QQQ surged an unprecedented plus 1.25 percent following a single image asking if someone is related to Greta Thunberg! The volatility index VIXY dropped 3.08 percent because apparently, questioning climate activists with three exclamation points is now the ultimate signal of fiscal prudence. Bitcoin dipped just 0.13 percent while Ethereum fell even less at minus 0.09 percent, proving that in this new economy, a screenshot without a transcript moves the needle harder than actual policy. Welcome to the information age where nothing happens yet everything changes instantly!